Mary Murray

I knew very little about college applications when the older of my two children started high school, except for that one thing everyone talked about—that soaring price tag. I thought it was because I didn’t grow up here, but I quickly learned that the process had changed beyond recognition even for friends who had gone to college in the U.S. Ever the dogged researcher, I set about educating myself, racking up hundreds (if not thousands) of hours of research, and exploring the many internet rabbit holes relating to college and how to pay for it. 

In spite of the numerous books, seminars, colleges visits, and two careers that relied heavily on creative problem-solving, planning, and working at a fast pace with constant deadlines, that first round of college applications was an intensely stressful time for our whole family. Our daughter is a strong-willed procrastinator, and it was a major effort to get her involved and on schedule. The many permutations of Tiger and Helicopter Mom I went through are all very embarrassing to remember now, but we got through it, and the hard work paid off when she got numerous offers with generous scholarships, which meant she could attend a private college. We were still on speaking terms when it was all over, but perhaps not coincidentally, she decided to attend Grinnell, in Iowa, the furthest away of all the colleges on her list. 

Determined to not forget any of the hard-won knowledge, I sat down and wrote what became a forty-page guide on applying to college. After sending it out to a few people who sent it to a few more, I found myself working with families, coaching them through the process. I wish I could say it was stress-free when my younger daughter’s turn came around four years later, but it had become even more competitive, and she’s a different student, with different strengths and weaknesses. However, knowing the process and having a roadmap made it a significantly less fraught experience. We were lucky that she also got some wonderful offers, and she choose Vassar (the closest to home on her list!). 

Admission officers talk about their “holistic” methods of reviewing applications, but very little feels holistic about the process or the many inequities in the system. I see one side of this when volunteering at a local Brooklyn high school and non-profit where I help low-income students students with the application process. These kids have been underserved at school, have little support and few resources, and are often the first in their families to go to college. The inequities also extend to the highly-qualified students who get rejected in favor of the super-wealthy, legacies, recruited athletes, and other preferred groups. But the system is what it is, for now at least, and the way to work within it is to stand out with stellar applications. 

Many people think that top scores and GPA are all that’s needed to get into an elite college, but that’s not the reality. High numbers will get attention, but there are too many high-performing students for the spots available, and a few points either way will not make much difference. The application, essays, and supplements are critical parts of the process, and often the tie-breakers that move a student to the accepted list ahead of equally or more qualified applicants. Successful essays give a glimpse into the life and mind of the student. They are a student's chance to connect with the admissions officers, to become a real person they want on their campus. Whether it’s liberal arts students like my own daughters, or kids whose interests are in STEM or the arts, it’s incredibly rewarding to help students uncover their unique stories, and to see their pride when they present themselves, their talents and accomplishments, in a way that is creative, authentic, and compelling. 

Stay calm — remember, this too shall pass!