Outlook

Where You’ll Go Is Not Who You’ll Be is the title of a book by Frank Bruni in which he laments the mania surrounding the college application process, and the focus on a small number of highly prestigious colleges. He writes about the enormous pressure on us and our children that can lead to deep feelings of failure if that coveted acceptance doesn’t materialize. But to be fair, there are reasons for the mania that go far beyond the competition for bragging rights; the process is full of uncertainty, less meritocratic than ever, and acceptance rates get lower every year. And then there’s the cost—college is a major investment, and a prestigious name can at least seem like some quantifiable value for the money. 

We all know there are many different, and often unpredictable, pathways to a fulfilling life, that many successful people were not the best students or didn’t attend a prestigious school, and that all kids can’t be superstars at seventeen. We certainly know that going to an elite college doesn’t mean that someone will be a good person, or good at their job. However, that’s all very easy to forget when it comes to our own children and their college applications. The sense that that everyone is watching and judging, and that this is the biggest and most important decision of their lives, makes some kids want to bury their heads in the sand and stresses others to breaking point. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Approaching the process calmly and realistically, mindful of the student’s strengths and weaknesses, their developmental as well as academic needs, will greatly reduce the stress. Having a roadmap and plan of action will help keep the heightened emotions in check and the anxiety levels down, and can actually make it an empowering experience.  

That isn’t to say we don’t encourage or sometimes (gently) push our kids to reach their potential. Or that they shouldn’t apply to prestigious colleges as part of a well thought-out and balanced list, if they have a chance of being admitted and if those colleges would be a good fit for them. But this isn’t a zero sum game, and the right college for one student can be absolutely wrong for another. There are many institutions, aside from the ten or twenty that everyone can name, where your child can have a successful and enriching experience, build confidence, and start on the road to becoming an independent, happy adult. These four years are just one step in the journey, and you’ll be amazed at how fast they go by. 

So when the decisions come in, whether their choices are Reaches, Targets, or Safeties, we need to let them know we’re proud of them for doing their best, and that they can be successful no matter where they go. Because truly, and you know this— where they go is not who they’ll be.